the boy who used to be The Boy
by Krispy Kream
Summary: He was like a brother to all of us and I just didn’t want to mess everything up for him. Not when I liked him so much, not when he had everything going for him. AkuRoku AU


**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters depicted in this story. No animals were harmed in the making of this plot.

**Notes:** This was inspired by my friend whom I call Pizza Girl, and an incident with a male friend of hers whom she refers to as the boy who used to be The Boy. Thus the title.

Let it be known that Axel is my favorite narrator on the face of this earth. I might have made him swear a little much in the middle of all this ficcage, though.

**Warnings: **Strong language, AU, implied sex

-- the boy who used to be The Boy--

We were nothing, really. He was chasing some girl and a relationship was the last thing on my mind with the way I lived my life. He was the only one who didn't really want anything from me that spent any time with me. I didn't take it as an insult, honest, I thought it was kind of endearing, actually. He just thought I was cool so he hung out with me. He hung out with everyone else, too, and they all thought he was the fucking cutest piece of ass that walked the streets, but none of us really felt like we could actually touch him. It was more than just the fact that he was straight, too, he was just too cute and innocent for us. He was our adorable little brother, whom we protected from all the sin and shit we did.

Everyone's little brother, Roxas.

He had a good family, you know? A nice brother who didn't hang around goofs like us and was a weird ray of sunshine whenever the kid was feeling down. Good parents with good jobs that had steady incomes which lead to a steady allowance that we all thought he hardly needed since he didn't need to buy clothes, food or cigarettes for himself. I've met his family a couple of times, they're nice, accepting people who support each other in everything as long as they were all still a little perfect model family. Don't get me wrong, that entails quite a few options, it just didn't include anything we did. I didn't want to fuck anything up for him, none of us did. We didn't know what would happen to him if we got him in trouble, and none of us were too keen on finding out. That's why we tried not to do the really shitty things around him; sex, excessive alcohol, drugs. We would drink and smoke around him a little, because some of us just couldn't help it, but not so much that it was the main reason we were even together, and never the hard liquor, never the illegal drugs and we never let him touch any of it. He was content with what we let him do with us as it was, hanging around with people who did what we did was already pretty bad-boyish in his eyes. Sure, there had been a night where he was really insistent on trying the stuff and we let him, but we kind of saw it coming, so we were prepared. We had him try this kind of nasty hard liquor that we claimed was good for beginners, even though some of us could only stand drinking it on occasion. Cigarettes we didn't have to try too hard with, because the first puff always feels like death no matter who you are. We had Zexion give Roxas a try of his, and I hate Zexion's brand of cigs. Needless to say, the kid was content to never touch anything that would get him in trouble ever again.

The one thing we kept him clear away from was sex. We never even talked about that shit around him. It wasn't hard to avoid the subject, he wasn't always with us, had to hang out with his sociably acceptable friends, too. We didn't know how he'd react to it, really. Finding out we all arbitrarily had sex with each other all the fucking time with no strings attached (though sometimes there were strings, but they were so fucking loose and it was so fucking us that it really didn't matter) had the possibly of making a straight kid a little… touchy. So we didn't do any of that around him and we didn't mention any of it around him. Gossip and wank could easily wait until he went home for the night.

The more I got to know him, though, the more I figured it wouldn't have been quite such a big deal with him. And I did come to know Roxas quite a lot better than any of the other guys. We had started to hang out as just the two of us more often than we spent time with any one else, really, I was the only one who had actually ever seen the kid really sleep, too, he admitted to never having spent the night with anyone but me, and I mean that in the most platonic sense. It was less like sleeping together and more like sleeping in the same room. One of us was always on the bed and one of us was always on the floor and it was always me that ended up on the floor no matter where we were because I was that kind of guy and he was that kind of kid. We'd stay up ridiculously late just talking about shit and he'd ask me shit and I'd tell him shit about how shitty it was to live my shit lifestyle and how it was why we all wanted to keep him from living it too. I think he was grateful for it, knew how much opportunity he had because he knew us. Made him content to keep away from all the shit we did and didn't feel like he was missing out on life because he saw us do it enough.

He even went so far as to admit that he liked spending time with me more than anyone else. That, as fun as it was to hang out with everyone, hanging out with just me was fun in it's own right. Not that we did much of anything, and he laughed more when we were with everyone, but he said it just felt so natural and relaxing with me, said he'd gotten so used to cigarette smoke that he was starting to like the smell of my brand specifically. That's what got us hanging out at my place more, so I could smoke and he could smell it. He started coming over just to see me smoke, too, like he seriously needed to veg but just laying alone in his room wasn't enough. He'd just come over unannounced, even if I had people over, and plop down on the couch and I'd pull out a cigarette if I didn't already have one lit. I never asked him questions when he'd do that, he normally would just lay around for a few hours and then leave, neither of us saying anything.

The feeling was pretty mutual on my part, too. The only other person I saw without everyone else was my friend Demyx, because some things just weren't meant to be discussed in a group. The whole lot of us would tell each other what had gone down in our lives, but when it came to _feelings_, that you discussed with one or two select people. That, for me, was Demyx.

Now this whole big production of explaining why I couldn't touch Roxas leads up to this. I really fucking wanted to touch him.

It was really… It was stupid. I knew it was fucking hopeless. The second I met him I knew that. I didn't even want him when I met him, I really did consider him like a brother along with everyone else. Sometime after the unannounced visits to calm himself down started I started getting way more attached to him than I should have. The more often the kid came over, the more I thought it would be a good idea to give him a shotgun while he wasn't paying attention. Then I started to think that I should just kiss him. Then I just stopped thinking for a while because I knew it was only going to get worse.

That's when I really started talking to Demyx. Because the more I wanted to kiss Roxas, the more I thought I wanted to date him. Not fuck him, date him. The after-effect of liking him rather than lusting after him, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't complain about screwing him or anything. I would have just _preferred_ dating. It sucked ass because I always wanted to spend time with him, and when we were together I wanted to touch him but knew I couldn't. It always felt like some kind of horrible torture.

That's why I had Demyx. He was my go-to guy, my confidant, the only person I told my complicated problems to. I would have told everything to Roxas too, but by the time I trusted him enough, he _was_ my problem, so that wouldn't have worked. The first time I told Demyx he just kind of smiled and laughed at me, like he saw it coming a mile off. I punched him in the shoulder for that, the little bitch. It just made him laugh more.

"You should have seen it coming too, man," he said as he grabbed the cigarette from my mouth. Around that time, it seemed like I always had one lit in case, you know, Roxas needed it or something.

"How do you figure that? Can't an older brother figure spoil his little brother figure?" I said in a defensive huff. He was right and I fucking knew it. It just pissed me off more.

"If something that cute is going to waltz into your apartment whenever the hell he wants, there's no way even a real brother would be able to help it." I scoffed at that, because I knew Roxas' brother, and he seemed to handle his brother's presence just fine.

Then again, he did have that sliver haired kid that was always over to occupy his time, I suppose. I shit you not, that kid was always at that house, walking in and out like he owned the damn place. Though really, the only thing I think he owned in that house was the brother. I had this feeling about them and I think Roxas could see it, too. But that's not the point.

"Alright, fine, but so what?" I said, still huffing and pouting up a storm because the whole situation sucked. "Are you saying I should have told him I was starting to like him so he shouldn't come over so much? Is that what you're saying?" He was still laughing and it was still pissing me off. I was having a serious crisis, damnit!

"Nah, Ax, I'm saying you should tell him you like him and make him come over _more_," Demyx said with this stupid grin plastered on his face. "That would solve all your problems."

"Oh yeah, because that would go over great with him," I said sarcastically. I knew doing that would only get me more problems that would suck worse than the ones I already had. But I contemplated what he said anyway, like the dumbass I am. Really bad idea, I have to say.

So, of course, Roxas is at my place, just laying there half asleep while I've got a cig in my mouth lit just for him. Same ol' same ol'. It's how we end up pretty much every day, but this is one of those days where we actually talk. Nothing much, just random comments here and there, whatever. I was feeling pretty restrained, no weird, uncontrollable, urges to kiss him or anything. It was shaping up to be an okay day.

"… What happened the first time I smoked?" he said from my lap, because that had become one of his favorite places to sleep, much to my discomfort.

"You died," I replied lazily, and he laughed, hot damn.

"I did not," he sorta spat back, still laughing. My head was tilted back so I could just stare at the ceiling and not have to look at that smile I knew he was wearing. But, damn, did I love that laugh of his. He didn't do it enough, in my opinion, not genuinely, anyway.

"Alright, fine," I drawled, willing my gaze to stay on the ceiling. "You almost died. Better?" I felt his head kind of shift in my lap, which must of meant he was nodding.

"Just making sure," he said. And then, after a moment, "I like it when you smoke, so I was trying to remember if it was really that bad."

"Oh, it was bad," I told him, sitting up a little so I could look at him, because I'm stupid. "Getting used to smoking is the biggest fucking pain in the ass, don't even bother with it." He was looking straight up at me, taking in my eloquent ass words or some shit with this serious face and I had to lean back-the urges, fuck, the urges!-just so he'd stop.

He must have noticed something was starting to bother me, because he started moving and sat up. And, of course, the best thing to do when someone is bothered by something is to bother them _more_, so he sat on me. Well fuck me! Because that day decided to be as bad as all the other ones.

"Then why did you bother?" he was asking, and I could see his head out of the corner of my eye, but I really needed to not look at him because he was straddling my hips for fucks sake, and I knew it probably looked ridiculously hot and gay from every perspective but his.

I let loose a frustrated sigh because the kid was asking stupid questions and sitting on me and I really just wanted to molest him right there. My hands were actually twitching and I thought maybe I'd just grab his hips because that wouldn't be too bad, would it? "Because I thought it was cool and didn't have anyone to tell me otherwise," I said with a huff, and before I realized it, my arms had wrapped themselves around his waist without me telling them to, so it was almost like I was hugging him but I shouldn't have been, and damn, but it made everything so much worse. At least Roxas wasn't actually paying any mind.

"Let me try again," he said, and plucked the cig right out of my mouth.

"Whoa," I said, raising my head to look at him again, but his face was way too close for comfort. "No way in hell," I still managed to say, freeing on of my hands from his waist to take back my cigarette. He grabbed my wrist and brought the thing to his mouth anyway, taking a slow, but shallow drag, because he picked up on things like that frustratingly fast.

And shit, I'm not going to lie. It was fucking hot.

His eyes were closed the whole time, even when he pulled back to breath out, coughing a little and making a funny face. I might have maybe been unconsciously leaning my face forward, but it was a complete coincidence that our lips were almost touching by the time he opened his eyes. He gave me a strange look and made to get off of me, so I let go before I did anything worse.

"I guess you're right," he said, coughing into his hand a few more times, "it's still pretty gross." I laughed at him and purposely took a long drag because I am the kind of loser that takes advantage of indirect kisses. I heard him move around to the back of the couch where his shoes had ended up and stood.

"Heading home?" I asked nonchalantly, trying to make myself believe nothing had really happened. He nodded as he worked his shoes on and we both headed for the door.

"Yeah, it's dinner soon, so I better get going." His hand was on the doorknob, and he was opening it so he could leave and we could still be normal, but that image of him smoking my cigarette kept playing in my mind, and…

Well… This is the part of the story where I get really, really stupid.

I grabbed his free hand to turn him around, and he had this face like he was asking me why the hell I wasn't pretending everything was normal like he was even though I know he was just surprised and confused, and I pushed him with my mouth till he hit the wall next to the door. It was still open and everything, but it didn't really fucking matter because no one outside could really see where we were or what we were doing. My hands were at his waist again, because they goddamned loved his waist by now and it took me a while to notice that Roxas' hands…

Were in.

My hair.

Not pushing away. More like pulling me in, and he was kissing back, holy shit, that bitch ass god was a merciful one. My tongue was already in his mouth and his tongue was already in my mouth and we were already out of breath and frantic and we kept kissing anyway like the whole damn world depended on it.

Then I remembered we needed to breath so we just looked at each other for a moment, but damnit, his face didn't say anything about what was going through his head at that point. He was just panting and looking at me and I kind of told myself that it was an expectant look, like he was waiting for me to kiss him again because he was the innocent one and didn't know how to kiss on his own yet.

"Will you hate me if I keep going?" I managed to ask, my voice was all breathy and raspy and hardly there. Then again, Roxas' voice was just the same.

"I'll hate you if you don't," he said, and my lips were on his again. No, no, that's not right. It was more like my whole mouth was on his and we were kissing just as frantically as before. All tongue, teeth, hands and heavy breaths because, at that point, it really did feel like my whole world depended on this one fucked up moment between us. My hands roved and loved the kid's whole goddamn torso, and it felt like his fingers were pretty damn fond of my hair and neck. It felt like that last glance around heaven right before God realized you were in the wrong fucking place and sent you plummeting back down to the depths of hell. In that moment, it felt like it was really worth it.

I finally let go of his mouth to attack the rest of his face, neck and ear and the kid gasped like he'd never had a breath in his whole life. He just kept breathing out moans and massaging my head while I sucked at his skin, and, wouldn't you know, he tasted pretty fucking good.

"Wh.. Wait, wasn't I-ah, doing some… something…? Before…" I hardly know why Roxas even bothered trying to speak, but it sounded like fucking gold to my ear because _he was breathing on it. _I hummed against his skin and let my hands dive beneath his shirt because my fingers had done me the favor of inching it up without me really noticing. He arched up so that our bodies were flush against each other and after the initial 'oh fuck yes' I had to tell myself to lay off so I didn't fuck everything up more than I already had.

"You were going home," I said into his ear and took a nip. He sounded really disappointed, hot damn. So I kissed him again, but not quite so desperately. Our tongues didn't have quite enough time to get into it and when I pulled back Roxas had his eyes closed with this calm look like, 'okay, I can live with this,' or something. Almost. Kind of. Maybe.

We let go of each other and pulled away, I stood up straight and he tugged his shirt down a little as he pushed himself off the wall. We took a moment to recuperate, I guess, and then he finally opened his eyes and looked up at me.

"I… I'll see you later, I guess," he said and made for the door, still looking at me to make sure I didn't pounce or something.

"Yeah," I replied, keeping my hands to myself. "Just, you know, come over whenever." Awkward as hell, but we were trying, shit, we were trying. He finally turned to leave and I raised my hand like I was going to wave or something but he just kept walking.

Fuck.

I just stared at the door for a really long time, not even thinking about anything, my brain was shot. My legs finally started moving themselves to the couch where my cell phone was and it was all automatic. As off as my brain was, my body was pretty damn well prepared for the situation. Pick up phone, dial number, place phone to ear…

Call Demyx.

It only rang a few times. "What's up?" I heard him say through the phone, nonchalant, no problems, lucky bitch.

"I kissed him."

"You what?" he kind of shouted and then there was movement, like he was running around his room in circles.

"I kissed him, Demyx. No, shit, scratch that, I made out with him. Full on making out, I'm serious." I leaned back against my couch and just covered my face with my free hand. I didn't want to look at anything.

"Really, no kidding?" His voice was kind of uneven, like he was really running with the phone, then a lot of loud, consecutive noises and a blast of something that could have been music but was quieted instantly. I was still too shell shocked at the time to really figure out what he had been doing. "With tongue and everything?"

"Everything." It would have sounded like gossip if I wasn't so fucking stressed.

"But, wait, if you _made out _with him, doesn't that mean that he let you kiss him? Isn't this good?" He sounded so goddamn hopeful, too, but I just couldn't see it as he did, there was no chance.

"Shit, Demyx, I don't know what the hell was going on in his head! But I know there's no way in hell he was thinking the same thing I was. No fucking way."

"Just hold on, Axel," Demyx said, as if I were freaking out or something. I was trying really hard not to sound like that, though, seriously. "I'm on my way right now, okay?"

"Yeah, okay…" I realized then, that I really was freaking out so I just said, "Hurry the fuck up," and he was there within five minutes. Damn, that Demyx, man. He's shit in a fight and can be a goof at times, but he's fucking reliable, you know? Always there. He could be in the middle of having sex with someone and he'd still come if I called. Shit.

But anyway, he came and listened to me rant. He still insisted it was a good thing, like we were going places because of it, it won't be so bad, he said. Bull shit, all of it. I knew what was going to happen, I'm not that much of a fucking optimist. Sure, the process it took us to get to the end was a little different, but fuck the means, the end was still the same.

Roxas didn't call or come over or anything for more than two weeks. I couldn't bring myself to get a hold of him myself, not after what I did. It's called space, guys, I think we both needed it. The others kept asking what was up with him, telling me to call him so he would hang out with us. He was a pretty well situated member of the group, you know? But I just didn't have the balls to be the one to talk to him first. I'd leave the room like I was going to call and just come back a few minutes later saying something like 'he didn't answer' or 'he's busy' and I think the guys just figured we were having a phase of shit timing. Some of them started looking a little skeptical the more it happened, and Demyx just plain _knew, _but no one said anything. They just let me have my little lover's tiff, or whatever the hell they were thinking of it as. Fuck all of them. I know, I know, it pretty much was a lover's tiff, fuck all of you, too. It was a little more important to me than that, so shut your trap.

It was probably… the worst fucking two weeks of my life. Alright, that's a lie, but it was bad. I wasn't used to him not being there, it was always way harder to be away from him than it was to restrain myself. I hardly smoked those weeks, too, because I was sure he wasn't coming over. I probably could have quit if I never saw him again, it was like my reason for smoking had disappeared or some shit, not like I had a reason before he came along. It sucked, everything sucked. The only thing that had changed was that Roxas wasn't coming over all the time, but that somehow made everything around me suck more than it already did. Everything still sucks now, but… I don't know. It's not as bad as those two damn weeks were, that's all I can say.

But the day finally came where the kid came over again. I didn't even know he was there the first five, ten minutes. He apparently had just been standing there, staring at the damn door trying to make himself open it or something. He'd probably been doing it for a couple days, I had just never been leaving my place at the time. Damn good thing I was bored that day, I was thinking of walking over to Demyx's house or something when I opened the door to find the boy just looking up at me. Deer in headlights, you know the look? He made himself jump a little and looked down at his feet, mumbling something or other about oh I was just here to whatever bullshit. I cut him off because he wasn't making any sense anyway.

"Hey. Wanna come in?" I'd like to think I sounded nonchalant. Fucking relieved is what I was. He was too, I could tell with how he looked up at me. He didn't look quite like a deer anymore, but I'm pretty sure headlights were still involved. It didn't matter, he still came in and headed straight for the couch like he always did. It's really impossible for him to come into my place and look awkward, the room just looked empty without him there anyway. "Want anything?" I asked, and technically, I meant something to drink, but I was fishing out a cigarette anyway. Same pack I'd had for the last week and a half. I saved quite a bit of money while I was emotionally distraught, hot damn.

"N-no. I'm fine." He probably felt awkward and nervous as hell, but he looked so normal just sitting on my couch again. I plopped an unlit cig in my mouth and sat next to him, just looking straight ahead.

And I wasn't touching him either, shut the fuck up.

He finally leaned against the back cushion after a moment, really slouching with this weird sort of pout on his face. "Axel," he started, "Can I… get wasted or something? I don't care how, I just want to stop thinking for a while." he was staring straight ahead, too, neither of us were looking at each other, and I took a second to actually answer him.

"If I send you home smelling like more than just second hand smoke, you're going to get murdered and you know it." He sighed kind of dejectedly and sunk further into the couch, if that was possible.

"I don't care. My head hurts and I'm sick of thinking about all this crap," he muttered. I looked down to where my feet were propped up on my coffee table for a moment, just trying to sort my brain out. I wasn't going to ask him what he was spending so much time thinking about, I knew he didn't want to talk about it and I already had a pretty good guess anyway. It was just that the really stupid voice in my brain was starting to get loud and obnoxious again.

"There's a way," I blurted out on accident, but I couldn't just take it back or stop because Roxas was looking up at me, waiting for me to continue. So I flicked the unused cig to the coffee table and let it all come out like word vomit. Really fucking retarded word vomit. "And there's no weird smell or headache afterwards or anything. It's really pretty much devoid of consequences as long as you don't think about it." I finally turned to look at him, and his face looked a little frightened, like he knew what I meant, even though I knew he couldn't. "And only if you don't think about it."

He sat up a little straighter and nodded. Fuck. So I pushed him down slowly by the shoulder with one hand and kissed him. Again. Not the crazy, 'the world is gonna end' kiss. Just a normal one. A long normal one, but still normal. He pushed at my chest anyway and looked up at me as if I were crazy. But he's the one who said I could, so fuck that.

"Stop thinking about it, Rox," I said, and leaned down to kiss his check and jaw as I kept speaking. "Don't think about how you feel," I said between kisses, "Don't think about how I feel," he let out a little whimper or something every time I kissed him, "Don't think about what anyone else feels," I could see his eyes shut tight, like he was trying to fight what he wanted but was losing, "Don't think about what this means," he wasn't pushing at my chest anymore, his fingers were simply clutching the fabric of my shirt, "Don't think about anything. Just feel, Roxas." He still looked a little frightened, but he was over it as far as I was concerned. "Stop thinking and feel," I said finally and leaned back down to kiss him properly again. He kissed me back this time, apparently all too willing to let me do whatever I wanted.

And I was content to give him a fairly mind-blowing blowjob.

Dare I say he found it very enjoyable. Though, my head hurt a little from where he'd pulled at my hair. I can do some pretty fucking awesome things with my tongue when I want to, let me tell you. He was pretty worn out, so I kissed him a little until he fell asleep. Then I was bored again. So I did some long overdue chores for about thirty minutes, but those are boring too. Finally ended up lighting up that cigarette I'd had in my mouth before and moved Roxas' head so that it was resting on my lap like he normally had it.

I sat there for a pretty good while, just smoking and watching him sleep, because he looks cute like that. Finally I noticed him take a deep breath, a very deep breath, and sigh. Apparently it was time to veg on me once again. It'd been a while since he'd gotten the chance to do that.

"Thanks," he mumbled and turned his head away from me. I just grinned and ruffled his hair. I think that made him pout a bit, haha.

"So what's the plan?" I asked, because we were going to pretend the blowjob never happened. A shame, really, it was a damn good blowjob. "Too early to go back to thinking?"

"No, I… I should get back to it," he said, though he didn't sound at all happy about it. I kept my fingers in his hair, just idly scratching his scalp for fun.

"What's got you so worked up like this?" I asked, even though I knew the answer. I mainly just wanted an excuse to tell him not to worry about me. It hadn't been my place to confuse the hell out of him like that, you know? I wanted to make it a little easier on him.

"You," he said after awhile, like I knew he would. "And Namine. And, I don't know, everything I guess." I hummed and kept scratching his head.

"What about Namine? You're not thinking of backing out of asking her out, are you?" I asked, because I'd be pissed if he was. I didn't know much about this Namine kid, but she sounded pretty cool from what I've heard from Roxas. I wasn't going to begrudge the girl's happiness just because I thought Roxas had a nice ass.

"No, I guess not," he answered, but it took him a second, like he wasn't really sure about it.

"Hey, you can't be a wuss when it comes to this shit, Roxas. That other friend of yours will snatch her from right under your nose, you know that."

"I know. I know that, it's just…" he paused to turn completely on his side, staring at my knee or something like that. "You start to have doubts when a good friend, who happens to be really hot, decides to kiss you out of no where." It seemed to me, like he had turned to hide a blush.

"You…" I was planning on saying something along the lines of 'You can't let stuff like that stop you, just go for what you want,' but…. Well, you know. "Oh. Shit, you're talking about me, aren't you?" I saw him nod, and I felt him clutching onto my leg. "Damn. Rox, seriously, pretend that didn't happen. I was having an off day or something, don't worry about it…" I stopped when he pushed himself up on his hands to look straight at me. He shot me this fucking intense glare, like he was just daring me to lie about how I felt again.

"Axel," he said, "Don't tell me to forget something like that. It happened, and I…" he stopped kind of suddenly, like his brain realized what it was he had just been saying, and he turned away when his face started to flush. Shit, I think _I_ was blushing at that point, and that's just fucking embarrassing. I don't blush. Ever.

"Roxas," I started. I was going to tell him to not bother with me again. Tell him I was really okay, that I wanted him to go out with Namine, but he stopped me. Pinned me against the couch with both his arms at either side of my face and stared at me.

"This whole day isn't going to happen, alright?" he said, and I didn't even get the chance to respond before he took my cigarette and started kissing me.

_Holy fuck._

It actually took a minute for me to do anything, and I could feel his unease through the kiss, like he wasn't sure he was doing it right, so if I didn't respond soon he was going to pull back. No way in hell was I going to let that happen. Not now, not when he started it. I reached out to grab his sides and he pulled himself onto my lap, just like he had that day he stopped talking to me. But this time, he knew exactly what it looked like.

He also apparently knew that I thought he looked hot when he smoked. He pulled back and put my stolen cig to his lips, breathing in very slowly with his eyes closed and this look of fucking sexy bliss plastered on his face. I knew he was doing it on purpose, too, the bastard. The cough he tried to hold in ruined the image a little so I used that opportunity to take back my cig.

"I told you not to do that," I said with a smug grin, taking a quick drag and flicking the thing over the back of the couch so I could pull the kid back to me by his neck and blow the smoke straight into his mouth. It made him cough again and he looked at me a little funny but I'd wanted to give him a shotgun for so long that all I could do was laugh. That made him scowl a little, but when he ground his crotch into mine as some sort of punishment, I could hardly complain. Then again, neither could he. We stopped talking and just moaned at each other for a bit, rocking our hips together and trying to kiss, but that was getting a little difficult. I sought out his neck with my mouth, and he wrapped his arms around my head, as if to keep me there, still gasping and moaning and rocking his hips like it was some kind of fucking involuntary spasm now. "You just want to pretend today isn't happening so you can still call yourself a virgin even after I've fucked you, huh?" I said against his ear, and I couldn't tell if he'd gasped because of the words or just because of how it felt, but the sound was amazing all the same.

"Yes, god, please," he moaned against my temple and I chuckled, his shirt already half way up his back.

And then my cell phone rang. Based on the ring tone alone, I knew it was Demyx. He was allowed to know I was about to fuck Roxas.

"Axel!" Roxas practically groaned at me when I reached in my pocket to answer it. Judging by the way he was suddenly attacking my neck with his teeth, I figured he was trying to get me hot and bothered enough to hang up fast. Either that, or make me too embarrassed to be on the phone, but that was not happening, not if I was only going to be talking to Demyx of all people.

"Hey, what's up?" I said, with as much composure as I could muster. I don't know what the kid was so angry about, I was still pushing up his shirt with my other hand.

"Hi Axel, I was just… You're in the middle of something, aren't you?" I could hear the giant ass smirk he was wearing at that assumption.

"Oh, it's nothing big, really-Ack! Roxas! Don't do that when I'm on the phone!" I hadn't minded when the kid was testing all the different things he could do to my ear with his tongue, but when people blow into it, that always makes me jump.

"…Roxas? Really?" The guy sounded more bewildered than anything.

"Don't get your hopes up, it's not what it sounds like-Ow!" the brat bit way too hard on my adam's apple to correct me, apparently. "Alright, alright! It's exactly what it sounds like, but don't get your hopes up anyway." Demyx laughed.

"Fill me in later."

"Yeah, sure. Hey, I'll call you when I'm done here, alright? I think the boy is going to start punching me." I swear to god, it really did seem that way. I'm pretty damn sure I heard him growl, too.

"Alright, I'll talk to you then." I didn't bother responding, and as soon as I'd closed the phone, Roxas took it and tossed it across the room. I would not be answering it again for quite some time, if he had anything to say about it. Apparently, a horny Roxas is a possessive Roxas. Made things more entertaining, I thought.

The kissing continued, though they were shitty, messy excuses for kisses, and Roxas' shirt was missing, and mine was soon to follow and I still had to figure out how to get the boy to a bed. I was not about to screw him on the goddamn couch. A blowjob, sure. A quick fuck, why the hell not. Not Roxas. I wanted this one to last a really fucking long time, I was going to have him on a fucking mattress. It just didn't help that I probably didn't even need to get our pants off to get him off. And damn my habitual slouching, it only made it harder to stand.

"Axel," he breathed into my mouth, and that's when I noticed he seemed to be clinging to me pretty tightly. Hell, I could even stand and he'd still be attached to me by the hips. So I…

You know what, screw this detailed shit. I fucked him, alright? I carried him to my bed, let him down on his back and proceeded to fuck him up the ass. I'm not going to go through all those tiny details and explanations like all those cheesy romance novels, that I obviously don't read.

Think of it this way; When someone opens a door in a book, the author only writes "And the dude opened the door." They don't get all bat shit crazy with something like "And he griped the cool metal of the door knob tightly with his right hand, giving an experimental twist to the left before discovering that it would only open if he twisted the knob to the right, so he-" No! No one wants to read that. So I fucked the kid and he moaned like he was going to die or something and I sort of had a little freak out session when he started to cry, but we got through it and it was fucking amazing.

Now, let me not quite skim over the part where I say "It was fucking amazing," because it was, and I'm damn proud of it. There's something about doing it with someone you actually care about, I've never actually had sex and had it feel quite like this. A few times it's come close, but even those are a far cry from this event which almost seemed to feel like we were _making love_, though I really can't bring myself to use that term very much. I don't make love with anyone, but I could with Roxas, I almost was, and I wanted to do it again just to see if I could get to that point because I figured I'd never get so close to it ever again. After what had just happened, though, I just needed to remember how to breath, because all that gasping and shit I had just been doing hadn't done me a damn bit of good. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and just tried to breath.

"Roxas," I panted out, "I think I love you." His hands were running through my hair, he'd gotten pretty good and not pulling it throughout the whole ordeal, and his chest was heaving more than was healthy or safe.

"I love you, Axel," he replied, and then I remembered. That day wasn't happening. I could say whatever the fuck I wanted and it wouldn't make a difference whether or not I was sure about it or not. I wasn't going to flat out lie or something, but that day I really did think I loved him and that was perfectly fine. I could tell him I'd love him forever till the day that I died, and it wouldn't matter. Because tomorrow everything would be back to normal, like nothing had changed. It would be like we hadn't told each other monumental secrets and fucked until we couldn't stand it anymore. Not that we did, unfortunately. At least I could have handled another go. That day could be some fleeting fantasy I dreamed up in my head that no one else, especially Roxas, would ever know about. And we'd be okay. We'd be normal again. But that day, for that one day, I could be in love with the kid and not have to fucking worry about anything.

"I love you, Roxas. I love you," I said, repeated it like a goddamn mantra and covered his face in kisses and he just smiled at me. Shit, I don't think I've ever enjoyed his smile as much as I did just then. It was fucking gorgeous.

We fell asleep like that, though I started to fall of to his side, it didn't make him any less comfortable. I woke up an hour or so later to him kissing me and we made out for a half hour. I'd fallen to his side completely and he dug his face into the space between the mattress and my shoulder. It was really comfortable. That's when we started talking.

"If you didn't do drugs and screw little boys, my parents would probably like you as my boyfriend," he said, and I chuckled.

"Really? How do you figure that?"

"I don't know, you're a good guy and really protective. I didn't pick up any bad habits from you except maybe saying the word 'fuck,' but that was going to happen to me eventually. I should be a drug addict by now, all things considered." The arm I had slung across the kid's shoulders pulled him into a loose hug, and Roxas wiggled himself a little closer to press against me more.

"They wouldn't object to me making you gay?" I asked, mostly as a joke.

"If they object to gays, I haven't heard about it. They certainly never say anything about Riku."

"Is that the silver haired kid that's in love with your brother?" There was a pause before Roxas shook a little with laugher.

"You've hardly ever been to my house and you already know that?"

"It was so obvious! … You're not going to tell me your brother still hasn't noticed, are you?"

"Oh, he noticed. It just took him a couple years and Riku pinning him to the wall, is all."

"You're brother is… a little special, Roxas."

"Sometimes, yeah," he answered with a shrug. There was a momentary pause at that point, where we just breathed each other in, or something crazy like that, before Roxas spoke again. "…What do you think the other guys would say?"

"Well," I started, sounding ass-hatty and full of myself, "Some of them will slap me for screwing a minor and the others will punch me for getting to you first."

It took him a second of looking a me a little strangely before he could reply. "…What? Why?" I had to raise my eyebrows in surprise.

"What, you didn't know? Most of them want in your pants. You're more of a looker than you give yourself credit for, kid." I could just barely tell that his face was starting to turn red, but I know he'd never admit to that.

"I don't think you should be calling me a kid after what we just did," he said, which I thought was fucking weird and funny at the same time.

"Are you avoiding a compliment?" I asked with a smirk.

"Just taking a moment to call you a pedophile," he answered, though the idea obviously didn't concern him. "But you talk like everyone is some kind of sex addict. I never hear the guys talk about that stuff."

"That's because we agreed not to talk about it around you," I said, propping my head up on my hand so I could look down on him and so he could see that I wasn't kidding. "Not the best topic to discuss when trying to gain someone's trust, you know?" Then I let myself smirk, because this was, sure as fuck, a joking matter. "Some of those guys have sex with anything that _moves_."

He gave me this sort of blank stare before he finally said, "You're kidding." It wasn't even a question, he sounded pretty damn sure that I was making this shit up.

"Oh no," I replied, halfway snickering while I was at it, "We're pretty good at sharing, too."

"So then," he hesitated. We were right in keeping it from him before, I could tell. "Are you like that too?" He sounded, hell, _looked _afraid of the answer. I could have fucking died laughing then, holy shit.

"I'm not going to lie, I've had my fair share of sex. But I am no where near as bad as some of the guys." I could see him physically relax at that, but he still seemed a little nervous. It was actually… fucking adorable.

Then came the kicker.

"What… What kind of guys?" Shit, did he want me to compare him to people who had sex all the time? What the fuck. I didn't get it.

"You've meet most of them, actually. I don't like just picking random people off the street or anything, I tend to stick with the guys in our circle." Somehow, that made the kid relax. Apparently, since I am not a man-whore, that made me just peachy in his eyes. Whatever, I'll take what I can get. "I actually stopped awhile ago," I continued, but I still am not sure why. Anything to look better in his eyes, I guess? "Just didn't feel like having sex with those guys again or something."

"Really? Why?" I have to say, I kind of laughed at him for asking.

"None of them are really my type, you know?"

"Not even Demyx?"

"Ah, now, Demyx I've done quite a few more times than everyone else, but he's still not necessarily my type."

"… Am I your type?" I just stared at him for a second before answering.

"Yes. Fuck yes, you're perfect. You're so much my type that it hurts. It physically pains me right here," I pushed my hips lightly into his just to show him what I meant and he laughed. "So it's a damn good thing I found you, because I'm never going to find someone quite as good as you ever again." He didn't really… say anything for a moment. Then he finally took it for the compliment is was and laughed again.

The rest of our conversations were not nearly at meaningful. Most of it was planning for our relationship that wasn't even going to last past that day. But we did it anyway, damnit, because it sounded right at the time and we both agreed that we were looking forward to everything. We told each other we'd try, that we'd never betray the other, that we'd talk on the phone for hours. Fucking lies, all of it. I didn't care. It still felt nice. Eventually Roxas remembered that he had to call him parents to tell them he wasn't coming home that night and we ordered pizza and Chinese food because we couldn't make our damn minds up. Let me just say that chow mein and pepperoni work well together on a pizza.

I also ended up calling Demyx back when the kid decided that he wanted me to smoke so he could take a nap on my lap. I told him that I was so god damn awesome I could rule the world, and that Roxas wasn't too shabby himself. Demyx was fucking ecstatic. I tried to make him calm down, because the next day he would be so depressed, and I knew it. He would probably end up more upset than I would be because that's just how Demyx is. So I had to remind him to not get his hopes up, that it actually wasn't what it sounded like and, hell yeah, it rocked, but we needed to not get ahead of ourselves. Through it all, Roxas was pretending to be asleep, but I knew he wasn't. He kept squeezing my knee like he felt bad, but, damn, he didn't need to.

Honestly, I was okay with everything. I'm not even kidding, I was. More than okay, that one day was more than I could have possibly hoped for. I just thought it was a shame it all had to end in the morning.

I finished my cigarette and the second I put it out, Roxas sat up and pounced. I'm not complaining, but I knew they were pity kisses. I tired to respond with some it's-okay-I-don't-mind kisses, but they probably got lost in translation somewhere between the couch cushions. I lose a hell of a lot of stuff to those damn cushions.

We spent the rest of the night, believe it or not, watching TV. Now, don't you give me any of that 'You had him for one night and you spent it fucking watching TV? What a waste!' because I had just fucked the kid earlier and his ass still hurt like a bitch, so I wasn't going to put him through that again. Ass-virgin, remember? Actually, now that I think about it, he could still call himself a virgin in a sense. I may have claimed his ass-fucking virginity, but the kid had yet to screw anything himself, so I considered him set for real.

But yeah, we watched TV on my shitty-ass box with no cable. And sometimes he sat on me and we paid attention, and sometimes he sat on me and we made a point of not paying attention. So I would call it a pretty productive night, all things considered. He ended up falling asleep while we were actually paying attention to the TV, so I turned it off, carried him back to the bed and we slept with our jeans on and our legs and arms tangled together. It was nice. It was really fucking nice.

I would not have minded doing that every night.

In the morning I offered to make pancakes, to which Roxas responded with a very odd and disbelieving look before deciding that _he_ would make the pancakes, and I could just sit and wait for them to be done very far away from the kitchen. I scoffed at that, because that was damn mean of him, but he had every right to fear me anywhere near a stove wielding a spatula. I admit, it doesn't happen very often, but it always ends in tragedy. I'm really good with the microwave, at least.

We ate, we joked, we laughed, and I was so fucking in love with him in that moment alone that it was absolutely ridiculous.

Eventually, after a second batch of pancakes, we decided it really was time for Roxas to get home. So we gathered his stuff, walked to the door, and stopped. He wasn't even looking at me, he was just staring at the doorknob, not wanting to touch it, I guess. I didn't want him to either, because we both knew what was going to happen when he finally opened that door.

It was all going to be over. The facade would end, we'd just be normal friends again, and yesterday would have never happened. It was a lot to accept at once, really. I was already over it, or at least I thought so. I had long ago come to terms with the fact that I could never be more than friends with him and, especially at that point, I was okay with that. But as Roxas stood there and stared at the door, it looked like he wasn't okay with it. Like he regretted the fact that it only got to last a day. But he didn't need to, damnit! I was okay, he was going to be okay, and there was a sweet little blonde girl waiting for him to ask her out.

So I leaned in and gave him one last lie to hang on to.

"Roxas," I practically whispered in his ear, "stay with me forever." He let out a sigh and looked up at me with a smile.

It was beautiful and broke my heart into millions of pieces.

"Forever and a day, Axel."

I kissed him one last time and then he walked out without a backwards glance. And I was okay with that until Demyx got there and I started bawling. Because I am a wimp ass baby and, at this point, I am not ashamed to admit it.

So there you have it. I told you we were nothing. We had one day of complete and total fucking perfect bliss and only Demyx knows about it. To this day I have never told a single soul other than him. Roxas hasn't either, I can tell. We still talk, obviously, he still comes to hang out with everyone and I can actually confide in him now that he isn't the big issue in my life. He confides in me, too, me and Demyx are apparently the only two people he knows he can be completely honest with. Sure, he doesn't come over just to veg while I smoke, and he doesn't rest his head in my lap anymore. He still comes to see me and he has no problems with leaning on my shoulder if he falls asleep watching a really boring movie. But not even his cute little girlfriend knows what went on between us. Not that I blame her, though.

After all, nothing _actually _happened that day. Right?


End file.
